5 Ways To Dominate The Pink Floyd Master Race

by Srijon Mukherjee

You’ve decided. You’re a Pink Floyd fan now.

Not just any Pink Floyd fan, you're THE Pink Floyd fan.

You’ve heard or pretended to have heard, or read up on all their tracks, and now you need the world to know. Who cares if the world doesn’t really care? You’re better than all them dirtass plebs, and you need them plebs to know.

So here’s how to go about it:

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5. Punish Those Mofos Who Prefer Other Bands

​No use listening to more than ten fucking albums - damn, do they not get tired of singing and playing - if you can’t bully people who haven’t heard them, right? I mean, these are the sheep who listen to other bands that they like better. Imagine that. ‘Better’. They like other bands ‘better.’

​Go educate them on their use of the word, and tell them they’re using it wrong, because there is no band ‘better’ than Pink Floyd. 

You would know, or else you wouldn’t have worked so damn hard to know all about them.​ Noobish shitmunchers.

Even in the wizarding world, you use the word 'better' wrong, you get gutted.

4. Punish Those Mofos Who Like The Singles Best

​Now  you’ve found someone who’s actually listened to  songs by them. So you ask them what their favorite Pink Floyd song is, and there you go, they like Wish You Were Here and Comfortably Numb best! 

There’s your chance to prove yourself - pounce on that ignorant dipshit and give the little idjit what it deserves for liking the only Pink Floyd songs that play on VH1. I mean, everybody knows that songs that make it to VH1 are played there only to inform you on which tracks to not fucking like!​

Batman knows where it's at, he's a true Pink Floyd fan.

3. Make Sure You Don’t Like David Gilmour And Roger Waters Equally:

You’re no fucking Pink Floyd fan if you don’t līke Roger Waters better than David Gilmour or vice versa. 

I mean, c’mon. All those hours spent on listening to all the tracks, okay yes, maybe you didn’t actually listen to them, but you still told people you goddamn did, and the whole idea of sitting with tracks for hours is still a huge thought right? 

It’s only fair that after all that time - or the thought of it - you have some kind of notion that’ll fuck some shit up and prove how serious you are. 

This is your moment, go drill that illiterate dickwad who likes Division Bell. More like, Di(blurry)vision Feels. Get it? Blurry vision cause tears and feels from all the sentimental bullcrap David Gills sprouts?  No?  Yeah, well, fuck you, my puns aren’t good cause I was too busy  trying to  mug up the opinions that I’m forcing down your throat right at this moment, so please.

Just be a dear, and open wide, man.

Or maybe you’re pro Gilmour. Then rush out, fellow fanatic, and go have your fun with The Final Rant. You’ve earned this.

Everybody chant 'FIGHT!' with me.

2. Syd Barrett Is Messiah No Matter What

You must like Syd Barrett’s music, and you must think that it’s the best music that they’ve released. Even if you’ve never heard it, or understood it. If it has the name Syd Barrett associated with it, it’s the best fucking thing that you’ll ever shove down other people’s throats, or get shoved down your throat. 

It’s the fact of life.  It’s the fact of the universe. 

1. What You Make Of The Song Will Always Be What Others Make Of The Song

The interpretation that you have, or the interpretation that the band members have stated, or hell, the interpretation that you probably found on the net (bet I can tell you which site too, you sly fucker) is the absolute interpretation. There are no other ways to see it, and if people say they do, they need to shut it and give you whatever they’re smoking, or smoke whatever you’re smoking. 

Actually yeah, they need to smoke whatever you’re smoking and give you theirs, so you can throw it down the gutter without giving it a try.

​Obviously your stash is best, just like your opinions.

Yeah right, either this is a very silly fabrication, or I finally get why everyone thinks Syd Barrett is a lunatic.

​And there you have it. That’s the end of this lesson, which you probably didn’t read cause you don’t have the time.

It’s okay man, I get it.

​Anyway, I’ll be off now, gotta diss the shit out of that overrated as fuck Star Wars trailer and that new Sith lord who’s obviously the kid with the gas mask from that overhyped Dr Who episode.